Yes, Ms. Stone. The Bird is Blue.

In addition to all the goofing off I claim to be doing all summer, I've actually been very productive. True I've been putting a lot of effort into my physical well-being: getting plenty of sleep, exercise, yoga, dancing, hiking, running (until the knees start threatening to give out on me), taking time to plan, cook, and enjoy healthy meals.

But I've also been educating myself on wine, cooking, Aromatherapy, Yoga and the Sutras, and learning Italian. The school I'll be attending in Italy will be putting all "hospitality majors" through an Italian intensive our first month there, so I may spend way more time on this activity than is actually necessary. Oh - because I never "over do it" on anything.

I've been interested in learning the language since my first trip to Italy four years ago, and have been dabbling in it since. I was told my grandfather spoke it with me as a child, but he died when I was five. All I remember are the cuss words that my grandmother mumbled when my dad or her darling grandchildren would start driving her "pazza" (crazy). According to my friend who is fluent and spends a few weeks a year in Italy at a family property, I'm already fluent - when I'm drunk.

According to Rosetta Stone, however, I'm an "idiota" as demonstrated by my abysmal scores on the writing exercises (low score record so far is 23%). Shack! I am so stubborn I'll retake that portion for hours until I score above 90%. On principle. One night I went at it for five hours straight, forgot to eat dinner (me? forget to EAT? queen of "feed me or I go from 'blood sugar dropping' to death threats in 60?"), and think I actually found a way to do the "pee dance" while typing, because I couldn't pull myself away from the carnage.

That said, it's been a mostly positive experience, compared to the other four methods I've tried (Michelle Thomas being my favorite for long drives and learning grammar basics). I like the video interaction and immersion of Rosetta Stone, and believe it to have elevated my game, so to speak. I should be able to get around Italy no problem. Without ending up in jail. Hopefully.

I have noticed I talk to the computer, a lot, even when I'm not doing a speech exercise. And I've made a few other observations during my evenings with Ms. Stone:

1) L'uomo (the dude) eating the rice in version 3? He's hot.

2) When doing the speech exercises, it is not necessary to lean forward toward the computer. The microphone is attached to your head. Fogging up the screen while you mispronounce words does NOT make you score any better.

3) The bird is red? No, the bird is blue.

4) I get that "la bambina" reading the book is a "girl," but she looks like "un bambino" so you can understand my confusion and I should get partial credit.

5) In the event you give a wrong answer, uttering "shit" into the microphone before your next attempt also counts as a wrong answer. I told you, the bird is blue. Idiota.

6) The animal is on top of the car. The animal is next to the boy. The animal is behind the house. The animal is under the table.

7) "I have" in Italiano = "Ho" as in, "Ho un passaporto" - I will try not to take that personally.

8) The only word I've managed to pronounce properly, consistently, is "Prego" - could come in handy if I meet "Rice Man" (see number one; in which case number seven does not apply).

9) If I had a Euro for every time I said, "You KNOW what I mean, bitch" when 'donged' for accidentally typing "de" instead of "di" I could hire "Rice Man" (see numbers one, seven, and eight) to teach me Italian AND the difference between on top of, next to, behind, and under (see what the animals are doing in number 6).

10) Finally, operate Rosetta Stone responsibly. After a few drinks, it's easy to click on the Hebrew lesson and " הציפור כחולה" looks the same as "L'uccello e` blu" (see number 3 if you can't remember what color the bird is).

My grandparents would be so proud.