That was Then. This? Is the Beauty of Now.

It's strange not having a straight answer for the "what do you do?" question.  For many years it was easy.  I was very proud of my career and would be happy to associate strongly with what I "did" - because it wasn't just what I "did."  It was a strong part of who I "was."  I immersed myself,  took it very seriously, and sometimes, to the peril of personal relationships, my career was everything.  It was honorable, not always easy, but I loved it.  It was my source of independence as well as identity.  I'm still proud of not just the accomplishments over that 24 years, 10 months, and 22 days; the opportunities, lifelong friendships, experiences, lessons learned, and memories I will always hold very dear.

Now?  I find that I am becoming more confident in responding to the "What do you do?" question with, "Nothing (big smile). Whatever I want.  I'm retired.  For now, I go to school."  Then there's the whole, "You're too old to be a student, but too young to be retired" rhetoric.  (Again with the box, people?)

I still cannot answer the question, however, "What do you want to do next?"  Not because I don't want to do anything, but because I want to do everything.  I won't bore you with the ever-changing and growing list; I'm blessed to have the means to even consider biting off and chewing pieces of it as I choose, spitting back out what I don't like, and trying something else.  If you read this blog, you'll get to live whatever silliness in which I find myself next anyway.

When I started this blog, the first thing I mentioned had to do with career and education.  It was as if I were trying to establish some kind of credibility because without those credentials, was I anyone worth listening to?  Again, still proud of it, although, now my career is fading further into the past.  Yes, I'll always have the degrees, the medals, the reminders, the pride of knowing I contributed to something much bigger than myself. 

I just returned from a 2-hour walk above the city and sit here nibbling pecorino (yes, again), listening to a radio station out of Rome playing: Lucio Dalla "Caruso" (oh, the incredible irony), and drinking a glass of wine (no kidding).  Today's walk also conjured internal discussions about how I really am no longer defined by what I "do."  There was a time in my life (more like all of it) where I thought the next promotion, the next job, the achievements, the mission at hand, were all there was, and if I didn't have that, where - or who - would I be?  So who the hell am I now?  Shouldn't I really be bothered that I don't have these answers?

Sounds like an identity crisis in the making, doesn't it?  Well pick my peas, because I'm just as surprised to discover it's not a crisis at all.  I'm not worried.  What?  I don't have a plan.  What?  Guess what, I haven't ironed my sheets in a few months either.  That's right. 

I can't tell you the feeling - this ultimate liberation - of knowing I'm not worried about "what's next."  Sure, I plan to return to Florence for a few months, then to France to study French wines next fall, yes.  I'd like to try living in other parts of Italy.  Maybe teach Yoga in a resort somewhere, who knows.  But none of this satisfies the questions people ask me:  So where do you plan to "end up?"

...

"END UP???"



Here's the deal:  I plan to end up dead, just like everyone else (whether they know it or not).  For now, I will, dammit, enjoy some of this strength, independence, and tiny sense of adventure my career choices and life choices have forged for me.  I will continue to explore whomever I feel like being now, post career, without plans to "settle down" and "go back to work."  Whenever and wherever I feel like doing it, while the universe still allows me to have this time - however long it will be - I will continue to fall in love - or not, and move on - with this one life I've been given (ooh - unless I do get to come back as a fluffy, fat spoiled rotten Chinchilla Persian cat doing Fancy Feast commercials).  Thank you very much. 

As for who I am now?  I'm still feeling that out.  The key word being feeling.  I'm allowing myself to feel things - some things I haven't felt in years - and some things I didn't know existed.  That, in and of itself, my friends, is the beauty of what I "do" now.  I also do ...  need to haul my butt to class ... now ...