Eating the Elephants

Abbiamo un grande elefante da mangiare is a new favorite phrase I picked up during Italian conversation classes over Zoom. The literal translation is "we have a giant elephant to eat." Timely phrase, this is, for we masochists who pay way too much attention to the absolute "shit show in a dumpster fire" (credit: George Conway) that has been our country for the last four years.

Now you may be silently wondering what the actual fuck eating elephants has to do with July 2020. Or you've been reading this blog on and off for a decade or so. Or you've met me, so the crazy is baked in the cake. OR/Or you may be thinking, "It's 2020. Eating elephants is probably something to do with Tide Pods, Tic Toc, demon sperm, or 5G conspiracy theories." The phrase is really an idiomatic expression for "we have a lot of work to do." So there you go. Whatever you are thinking, you are all correct.

I realize my political rage has consumed my life oozed into this space for some time (see 'shit show in a dumpster fire' reference in para 1). My podcast feed is overrun with commentary, analysis, and a metric ass ton (which I believe is more than an imperial shit load) of much needed humor. Oddly enough, much of that humor comes from more principled members of my ex political party who are absolutely appalled at the spineless boot-licking and enabling of the most vile, corrupt, ignorant, incompetent, morally bankrupt sorry-ass excuse for a broken, soulless human to ever squat in the people's house while absolutely bumbling his way through a presidency rife with dereliction of duty, lawlessness, bribery, partisan demagoguery, abuse of power, and the most bat shit crazy stupidity ever uttered from the White House.  [inhales loudly]  Long sentence, I know, which brings me back to the elephant.

There's another expression that dovetails nicely with the Italian phrase that applies to a big task at hand. How do we eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Honestly, I don't know why big jobs default to eating adorable, albeit large, pachyderms, but in the case of 2020? We have some big fucking elephants to eat. And those principled members of a political party that I no longer belong to aren't having any more of this blatantly unethical enabling of a whiny, dictator wannabe toddler-in-chief,  They are grabbing a fork. A big fork. A big, honking, elephant-eating fork.

It just so happens the symbol of that party is this adorable creature.

That's great, but what about the rest of us? Those of us who normally don't have the appetite for politics, let alone microwaving Dumbo, or don't have a booze budget to sacrifice fundage to donate, can do something, one small thing, every day for the next 89 miserable-ass days. Let me count the ways:

1) Register to vote.

2) Check to make sure you're registered to vote.

3) Check often to make sure you're still registered to vote, because corrupt AF GOP swine have a kink about purging voter rolls.

4) Encourage your family and friends who actually care about - oh, I don't know - other people, America, the planet, human decency, and the rule of law to take steps 1 - 3 above.

5) Repeat steps 2 through 4.

6) Vote. However your state does it, do it. Have a plan, know where to go, and do it as early as you possibly can.

7) Consider helping out your local candidates who align with decency, including state legislatures, and support your congressional and senate candidates looking to unseat greedy, power-hungry enablers of the most corrupt administration in our history. Try texting for them, phone-banking or writing postcards or doing lit drops.

8) If you don't like people engaging with voters, check out Postcards to Voters. It doesn't support a single campaign, just encourages people to register and turn out to vote.

9) Adopt-a-State: If you're sitting in a blue district, in a blue state, then pitch in and help flip some swing states. I've adopted my former home state of Pennsylvania and phone bank for them weekly.

10) If you have funds, donate to your favorite campaign or cause. If you don't want to think about how to do this, simply donate to this fund aggregator (Get Mitch or Die Trying) that is focusing on targeting and flipping senate seats where magatrash sycophants are currently in danger of being removed. Let's show them the door, shall we? The goal is, to quote funny, adorable former Obama speech writers and staffers, "Take that gavel from Mitch's fucking hands." This is doable, as we only need to flip three (if Biden wins) or four seats (if the Russians get their way again). There are currently about a dozen complicit, spineless, seat-warming oxygen thieves within striking distance of justice. Decent people in Colorado are happily working to show Cory Gardner's useless ass the door.

There are other ways you can help too. I actually started a separate Twitter account to promote these things so my less political wine and podcasting peeps aren't subject to my activism. If you want more information, comment on this blog or follow me here: https://twitter.com/2020_HappyHour. All the booze, more snark than ever. You've been warned.

Currently I'm doing a combination of:

- events (grass roots fundraisers, Veterans, and Women's events) and phone-banking for Joe Biden,

- Adopt-a-State phone-banking in Pennsylvania,

- text-banking and postcard-writing for my congressional candidate in Colorado,

- and Postcards to Voters (currently writing to Florida).

All of this can be done from home, in your sweatpants, with your favorite beverage at your elbow.

Clearly I mean this shit.

Look, I'm not a Democrat, Joe wasn't my first choice, and I hate politics and the shady money and backdoor dealing that goes into all of it. But I often look back on the five presidents I served under during my Air Force days; I didn't like the Clintons all of them, but never thought of any of them as the dire threat to national security and American Democracy as this deranged, Mussolini-esque buffoon currently is. There were guardrails in the 90s, there was oversight, and I was low enough on the military food chain that ethical, integrity-based leadership assured me that my oath was to the constitution, and everything would be fine. I bought it, swallowed it, and I respected the office even when the person sitting in it was not worthy of my respect.

Today, this criminally narcissistic fraud in an ill-fitting Chinese suit has duped millions of Americans into thinking he's smart, self-made, and is somehow going to make 'Murica great. Meanwhile he's ignoring the constitution, his oath to it, making a mockery of the rule of law, hiring unqualified, corrupt noobs, sycophants, self-serving donors and his talent-less, useless kids. He makes Clinton's Oval Office blow job look quaint. And that's just what we KNOW about. Don't get me started on his perversion of patriotism, flag-humping, and politicization of military personnel and using them for props, pardoning war criminals, while touting "I don't care what the military thinks" during an interview last week with Chris Wallace.

Today, we're dealing with a cult of ugly, racist, selfishness. They somehow think Joe Biden is the Mayor of ANTIFA or some crazy super left-wing nut job organization that isn't even an organization. Domestic terrorism by mask (and science) deniers, voter intimidation and suppression, and inviting foreign intervention and corrupt subversion of America's institutions is the only winning hand for a morally bankrupt minority that will deal America a loss that historians (and smart people who read books, also lacking in this administration) believe will be our downfall. I didn't spend 25 years in uniform, and a couple of Christmases in plywood huts in shit hole war zones, to watch this country go to hell as it is without doing something. Anything.

Will Joe solve all our problems? No. But this isn't a policy election. This is, truly, a battle for the soul of this nation. Joe is a decent human being, and he will hire other decent human beings (the smart kind, that read books) so we can begin to unfuck ourselves here at home, after this administration has killed over 200,000 of us due to gross incompetence and dereliction of duty. In the eyes of the world - which now looks upon us with pity at how far we've fallen - we no longer are worthy of a credible, leadership role. We are a laughing stock symbolized by a fat baby-shaped balloon with a phone. And no, we won't agree on everything, but can we at least give intelligent, fact-based, civil discourse in the halls of congress and 1600 Penn a chance?

So that elephant? It's a big, stinky, one - rotten to the core. I've got some extra forks, and a fully stocked wine cellar and fine selection of whisky with which to wash it down between now and November.

I hope, and maybe the former Catholic girl inside me is wanting to pray a little hello guilt, that everyone who gives a damn about what's left of America, the planet, humanity, decency, and fairness - especially if you have kids - will belly up to the table, and join me in a feast that could be the most monumental of our lifetime.

Bring a fork, I'll bring the wine. I'm thinking a Barolo, but I'll open any bottle you'd like.

Peace, love, and ... really, I DON'T advocating harming or eating actual elephants.