From the Flight Deck

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Valerie and I'd like to welcome you aboard.  

We have a very full flight this morning and will need everyone's cooperation to make it less miserable than we've already made it by packing you in like sardines.  

Federal regulations limit you to 1 (one) piece of carry-on luggage and 1 (one) personal item, such as a purse or laptop case.  Please place the larger item in the overhead bin and the smaller item completely under the seat in front of you.


I see some of you today think you are special and believe you are entitled to 3 pieces of carry-on or extra large bags.  Ladies and gentlemen, I don't make the rules but I am here to enforce them.  You can either check that third or oversized bag that does NOT/NOT fit in the overhead bin, or get off my flight.

Ma'am - you in 7C with the BlackBerry?  What part of "The cabin doors are closed and all electronic items with an on/off switch must be off" do you not understand? 

Don't make me come back there.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, I must remind you to please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened until the captain has turned off the 'fasten seat belt' sign and it is safe to move about the cabin.  This is for your safety as well as for everyone else on board the aircraft. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but you are NOT the only person on board, eh-hem Miss 7C.  

If I catch you up and about before the 'fasten seat belt' sign has been turned off, I will ensure TSA has your information and you get strip-searched before every flight for the rest of your life.

Ma'am - 7C - toots - HEY, BLONDIE - give me that f***ing BlackBerry. You can have it back after the flight.  I hope you like being strip searched.

Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to say it was my pleasure to serve you today, but it really is just my job to make sure a bunch of people with no common sense or penchant for rule-following or consideration for others get where they are going.  Your safety is our primary concern.  Thank you for flying with us.  

We'd like to you to keep us in mind for your future travel needs, and for those of you that continue to be puzzled by simple things such as:

- luggage sizes, shapes, and dimensions
- familiarization with on/off switches for your personal electronic devices
- how to read lighted 'fasten seat belt' indications, 
- how to work the seat belts, 
- how to cover your mouth if you have the plague and are horking up lung butter in a crowded space - eh-hem, Mr. 21D,  
- how to not pee on the toilet seat,
- how to clean up after yourself if you do,
- how to not leave your trash on the floor around you,


I invite you to do a little reading up or Googling ahead before flying next time ... or take the bus."

Precisely why I could never be a flight attendant.  

Source

I'd be fired after the first flight.

Back to my in-flight drunk fest entertainment. 

And pretzels.

Standing by for 'warm nuts' comments...